What does it feel like to be me?

Now, this is coming from my own perspective but sometimes I want to scream. I decided tonight to sit down and write out my feelings about what I feel towards being the mom to a special needs son.

I feel jealous of other mothers with their typically growing children, you know those kids you see at the pediatrician's office just sitting in a chair quietly reading a book. Meanwhile, mine is the one opening and closing the fire extinquisher box on the wall, turning the lights on and off, opening and closing the receptionist window. He's the one that everyone smiles at or stares at as I try to repeat his name trying to redirect his attention to something that might slow him down a bit. I'm the one who gets the "oh, I'm so sorry" look from professionals or that stern eye from the parent who does not understand what I'm going through.
I get jealous when I hear that someone has had a nice vacation to the islands or a cruise knowing that there is no way at this point in my life I could just up and leave my child with someone for a week and skip about on the white sandy beaches of the Caribbean. Oh how I dream that one day that will be for me.

Yes, I do get jealous often. I try not but I do.
I'm ashamed to admit it too.

I get jealous when I think about mom's who take their children for granted. The ones that just assume that when you lay them in bed at night they will wake up in the morning still with you because I'm still afraid to let mine sleep alone due to his nocturnal seizures which cause him to turn blue. I envy the mom who expects nothing but perfect grades from her children or expects them to obedient at all times.
The mom who gets to go to baseball practise, soccer, basketball, dance lessons, ballot, Karate or gymnastics. Yep, I'm jealous of her too. She gets to sit and watch her child succeed in something. So I get that little sting of jealousy in me.

I get jealous of the mom who cringes at the thought of her child getting a flu shot or vaccine when I sit here and can't wait for the pediatrician to call me to let me know they are available right now because my son can't afford a flu virus. Oh yes, we all get the flu shot in this house. It's a rule.

I envy the women who can run a business like I use to do before my son because they get out, they get to meet people, they have conversations that don't include words like, seizures, brain, therapy or doctors.

I've watched children mock my son, run from him, hide from him and walk away even while he was begging them to come and play with him. So saddened by the incident that I've learned to stay clear where there are many children playing in one place. Making excuses as to why we could not go to McDonald's playground that day. My son crying in the carseat in the back. Children don't understand and quite honestly some can be just plain rude. My son looks different because of his blind eye and that is it. He is quite the handsome little boy if you don't see the blind eye.

Then there are times when I see the fortunate side of sitation. I was in Walmart one day and saw a mom with her two blind twin boys and a thought went through my head how blessed I am. My son is blind in one eye but only one. I stopped her and spoke with her that day and she and I both cried together standing in front of the Optical Store (how ironic) and told our stories of survival to each other. It may have only been 20 minutes but is was time well spent.

Times when specialist told me that my son would never do certain things, but he did. Days of devastating news turned into years of triump and joys. My little boy who no one believed in did survive the odds.
I wonder sometimes what he would have been like if he had not been born too early. I'm sure he would have been amazing just like he is now.

I have God with me always, guiding me and leading me down the paths that I need to take. I know this.

Recently, I was upset by a certain situation and I wholeheartedly cried out, God, WHAT? Show me What it is that you want me to learn from this situation? Then he spoke to me, very clearly, he said it is not you, I'm teaching them and from then on it has been a little easier on me to accept certain situations.

I need to keep up on this blog more often. Don't know why I don't. I will post more to this later.